Circles
Have you ever heard someone say, "I feel like I'm falling", when they're down or experiencing hard times? I can't say I've felt like that. I mean maybe. But more often I feel disconnected or outside reality, like in watching a movie of my life, when I'm faced with something quite tragic.
I think of falling as a literal fall, you hit a bottom at some point. There's an end game to it, after which there is some type of a climb back up, so I assume. Of course unless your infinitely falling...
However now I feel like I'm failing. A lot. Failing is different. I'm feeling a certain level of success and failures continuously. It would be like falling for 5 seconds then jumping back up for 5 seconds and repeat. Up, down, up, down. But that's very one dimensional.
Picture you're in a circle. There's a barrier that you can't see beyond or through and sometimes it's soft and let's you push it out, giving you space. But then as you circle around there's harsh push back as you extend your reach, jutting out towards you. The circle is no longer circular but with extended space in some directions and closed off to space you had before.
The extended space makes you comfortable and is seen as success or relative happiness. The closed or diminished space is failure. Now as your circle is pushed out there's more extended space but that also means more opportunities for push back.
If you're thinking this is still pretty lacking in the dimension department, picture layers of these circles surrounding you for the different major facets of your life; love, work, family, money, and so on.
Now as all of these circles encompass you, you focus on what's facing you in the moment. Decisions are, of course, influenced by your other circles, creating space in other places or tightening spots towards you. As one space expands you ride the happiness or excitement associated with that. It can help bolster your efforts to push into other circles where there was closed off space. Of course the inverse is possible. When met with a negative cut of space, this prevents you from pushing in other directions. Closing more spaces through more circles. Tightening your free space so you're only facing the negativity that oppressed your circle to begin with.
Back to my feeling of closed space or failure. It has to do with a specific circle. As I encounter restricted space I feel the urge to build out other circles or change the scenery of the negative circle in hopes of developing more space. Then I think of what I'd rather be doing. Searching for passion, expecting that passion is the key needed to unlock the circles, thinking my circle is in desperate need of that one thing that's so clearly missing now.
But then I try to find open space by expanding my knowledge base, that if I can just learn more I'll have the open space I need. I try to make excuses, attributing the closed space to the infancy of the circle, it's relatively new. This circle is important and without it as it is, I've wasted space in other circle. Without it, circles I've spent years pushing outward with great success will tighten around me. Without it, other circles expand and others close. A decade ago I would've done whatever it took to get this circle. But now, believing that I have seen it's true nature, I'm not sure why I would ever keep it...